Happy Hallofuckingween

The school is having a party.
My classes are canceled.
I won't be paid.
Happy Hallofuckingween!

Poop

so we're expressing what we like and don't like in class. One kid is looking for "poop" in his dictionary but can't find it. I take it from him and find "excrement." Of course, he's never heard of that word. I explain to him that it is a scientific name for poop. A well mannered, girly girl sitting in from of him decides to look for "terd," she proclaims. Another kid runs over and in his triumph shows me his dictionary and the word "crap" with its Spanish equivalent, "mierda."

am I in trouble?

Am I in trouble?

I may have gotten myself in trouble the other day. The day was wednesday or 'miercoles.' And then, at that moment, I had a vision of someone who, in an effort to not say "mierda" says 'miercoles.' So, there on the spot, I taught the kids that saying "miercoles" can be like saying "Oh my gosh!" in an effort to avoid a taboo word. I had them repeating "Oh miercoles!" in unison, it was great.

So, the next day, I asked a question, a student raised the hand but still hadn't found the answer in his notebook. He was taking a long time when one student shouted, "MIERCOLES!" It was funny.

Am I in trouble?

The Curse

The bible talks of hell and the damned. Yet, the uttering of the single word "hell" or "damn" followed by an exclamation mark is taboo, I explained to the children.

Why is it so? These, I tell them, are 'curse' words. Words that were, are used to place a curse upon the intended victim, person or thing. For example, I explained, if the computer is not working properly, simply shout "hell" and said computer might spend eternity in fire and brimstone, inshalla.

Access Denied

I learned this while making an impromptu dash to the in-class computer while the kids were scribbling in their notebooks. I thought it would be marvelous to have the video ready by the time they finished. Well, they hardly had time to start when the curses began. They, too, shared my grief and encouraged me to lead a mutiny. Not this time, my faithful. Youtube, MySpace and wikipedia are not permitted, inaccessible, blocked on school computers. My followers then shouted a litany of other video sharing sites, which all proved unsuccessful; it seems that the video feature is undeniably blocked. Damn it all to hell!

I'm Late!

I have the day off today. The rest of the folks from the Catholic schools in the region are attending some kind of training. Because I'm a temp, I'm not invited. Of course I'm not paid today, either. But that didn't stop me from going out last night and quaffing the noble brew.

My phone rang at 8:30 am. I probably would have slept a lot longer. I listened to the message. It's my boss. Although, she's not really my boss. She hired me and I've never seen her again. Except for the one time when she "dropped" by my class and did an unannounced, unsolicited observation and then proceeded to verbally critique me and offer me "advice." She even disciplined some unruly 6 year old during my lesson. In the end, she is my colleague who has been burdened with hiring other temps and running the "company" while the owner is MIA (not the pop-artist but missing in action). I'm sure that she must have some formal training but the company basically hires anyone who can mumble in Spanish. Because she is a Latina, she somehow knows what she is doing.

I listen to the voice mail. It's her. She says, "the principal from school x wrote me an email and said that you've been late a few times. give me a call."

shit. Just the way that I wanted to start my day, groveling to my equal and listening to her critiques. As if she is never late to a class. I staggered over to the computer and checked my email. I, too, received an email from the principal stating that "it's been brought to her attention...bla bla bla... it's important that I be in class on-time ready to teach...bla bla bla."

I wouldn't be in this mess if the home-room teacher wasn't such a biatch, for I'm sure that it was she who denounced me. She would have me lined up in the town square, put against the wall or shoved off the cliff into the river while tied to the other habitually tardy. What the F*ck does she care. All she does is sit at her desk, grade papers, surf the net while I'm teaching anyway! I know why. Because the damned kids are so mis-behaved that 5 min. without constant attention from a teacher and the class will be filled with smoke, students high as radio tower. But why didn't she say something to me first, why go straight to the principal, and why does the principal CC the email to my "boss." Holy f*ck people!!!

Now, it is true that I have rolled in more than 5 min. late on more than one occasion. But I can explain! First, the snot nose kids don't usually roll in until 5 late anyway, so why should I be there early? What, am I supposed to watch the homeroom teacher grade her papers? Should I go chill in the staff-room which consists of a table and chairs? Second, I'm commuting to get there and any little hitch in the traffic and I'm gonna be late; Never mind understanding and tolerance, we're at a Catholic school here people! Besides, what do these people expect, I'm a temp for crying out loud, I'm supposed to roll in late! If you want me to be on time, hire me like a normal person and give me my frikin salary and a half a baguette and a bottle of Bordeaux Supérieur!

Point Break

so we've been practicing present tense and how to express what we eat and what we drink and so forth.

I asked the student, "Que bebes?"
He responded, "I'm not a baby" with a shit eating grin on his face.
I replyed, "No, but you may be failing."

and to another student, "Que comes?" and he responds, "Sí!"

I was at the point of breaking but then I remembered, thanks to EnglishTeacher X, that one of the main parts of my job is to keep the kids happy, so I took a deep breath and counted to ten and continued.

Full Circle

I have returned. After leaving catholic schools after the 7th grade, I have come full circle. This time, I 'm on the other side of the desk, at a different school, of course; only if they knew...if Sister Mariam could see me now, that would show her!

Catholic schools can be quite a funny place. Before the year started, I was invited to the teachers meeting. Of course they started with a song and prayer. I just kinda avoided eye-contact, head bent forward, silent. The singing was awful, just like the little, measly, thin paper they call bread and give out at mass. In good ol' Catholic school fashion, they spent the first hour talking about enforcing the dress code; shirts tucked in, matching socks, no non-school affiliated sweaters and pull-overs, earrings no bigger than a quarter, and on and on and frickin' on, jesus cristo!

In this new school, as in my former school, all the students gather in the morning to effortlessly, absentmindedly breath out while barely vocalizing the lords prayer. The ceremony of it all is quite amusing. Of course, I roll in just as they finish. On Wednesday mornings when they are at mass, I'm in my windowless office, readin' the news.

Hospitality of a Priest

So, you know that I teach at two Catholic schools, right?

I've heard that the number of worshipers of the Catholic faith is down world wide.

I'd advise the church to start serving better bread and sharing the frickin' wine!

What kind of hospitality is that? The egomaniac priest invites you into the church, lectures at you on and on for about an hour, meanwhile, he offers you a measly, thin piece of paper that he calls bread (and don't even think of asking for seconds) and then further insults you by slurping some Bordeaux Supérieur right in front of your face without offering you any.

Pope, if you are reading this, take note. Start giving out a fresh, warm baguette and at least a 1/2 bottle of wine to every worshiper. Then watch your numbers soar. Hell, I'll even start attending regularly.

Love being a Temp

Oh, how I love it. Grades were due today, nobody told me. One of my classes was canceled yesterday, they told me as I stared into the dark, empty classroom. I went back to my office, the one without the window, and read the news. Later, I wondered over to the staff room. There was coffee cake and coffee.